Career change

Today was "cake day" at work. Cake day is a wonderful day. Our break room, usually chocked full of apples, grapes, and banana halves, is transformed into a cakey wonderland. Muffins. Lemon Bundt cakes. Sometimes even donuts. (Mmmm. Donuts.)

The lemon cake is the best. Moist on the inside, the icing gives it an ever so slight crunch that I find quite satisfying. These are sweet moments. Times reserved for reflection. Being stuck at work, reflection is really just code for "wishing I were anywhere else." While reflecting today about all the other places I would rather be, I had an epiphany.

Don't we live in the land of opportunity? Doesn't opportunity knock often, begging us to reach out and grab it? I decided that now is the time that I finally follow my dream.

And become a taste tester.

Preferably the kind that tastes cake.

Lots of cake.

All day long.

Thirty five hours a week. (If I can have my dream job, it's going to be one that doesn't require a full forty hours.)

So, I began my search. First up was TastyKake. Sanitation workers. Production line workers. Nope. No tasters.

Next up, Little Debbie. This looked promising, because they even had positions in North Carolina. All for drivers. Long haul drivers.

How on earth do these people expect to create an exceptional product if they are hauling stuff around all the time? I need to be where the magic happens: as close to the kitchen as possible. Little Debbie was thus dismissed from further consideration.

In a last ditch, desperate effort to make all my dreams come true, I went to the very top. The cake-baker of cake-bakers. The ultimate in gas station cuisine (next to Slim Jim) --Hostess. Hostess doesn't seem to post jobs on the Web, so I ended up at the "Contact Us" page, pouring my soul into a message that I can only hope reached the right people:

I was scanning your site for information about careers with Hostess. I have been a fan of your products for years...back when "King Dons" were still "Ding Dongs" in fact. Those were the days. Anyway, I think I have decided that I need a career change, and have decided that I should be a taste tester or some other job where I can eat cake all day long. Of course, I have always appreciated your delicious pudding and fruit pies the most, so I'm open to a job where I can eat pie all day long too. Please let me know of any job opportunities in this area and I will send you a resume, picture, and proposed workout schedule. My current employer will require at least two weeks notice, and I would like to start by at least Christmas. I look forward to your response!
Brad

I will keep you appraised of how this SOS grabs the attention of the CEO, whom I imagine will hire me post-haste. In the meantime, my coworker sent it to her sister, a corporate whiz, for her thoughts:

This is great. Whether they actually hire him or not is debatable. But, if I were guessing, I'd say the email is at least going to get some visibility in the company. This is the type of message that gets forwarded all over a company. If nothing else, they might use it, or him, in a commercial or ad.

Advice : the resume should include some experience with Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme in order to position himself as an expert. Broad experience across an entire industry is a plus on any resume. He might also want to offer expertise in breads as Hostess is owned by the same company that owns Wonder Bread.

Tell him good luck. I'm pulling for him. Everyone should have a chance at their dream job.

Yes. My dream job. I have big ideas. If her thoughts about making me a character in a commercial come true, I could be bigger than Jared! And by bigger, I mean literally. The Anti-Jared. This has so much potential.

Bana-fana-fofana

Gaze upon the following picture and think about what it is that you see:


Yes, bananas. But if you concentrate really hard, you will see that half of the banana in the center of the picture is missing. Mysterious, isn't it?

This photo was taken in the break room at work. I have one of those employers that supplies snacks for its workers. Good deal, right? But there is someone that consistently comes in and cuts a banana in half...and leaves the half they aren't eating.

Who does this? Am I to believe that a whole banana is just way too big to consume in one sitting? Are they watching their weight perhaps?

The more pressing question is: Who on earth wants the other half?

I can see if they set out a large bowl of fruit salad (yummy-yummy). With fruit salad, you load up a serving for yourself and leave the rest. But whole fruits are different. Especially bananas. Their very texture lend them to being a "one eater only" type fruit.

For example, I can eat a half-eaten hamburger that one of my children leaves, but if they start on a banana, it's theirs. Eating the rest of that banana would certainly induce gagging.

Consider this as a public service announcement from Wastebasket Confessional...if you cannot eat a whole banana, don't take it. If you really need potassium and the only thing available is the banana from the break room, PLEASE take the whole thing. No one else wants the remaining half.

For Dan...

Angst at the pump

I have had it. I can take no more. I am so tired of filling up my car. Someone has to do something to stop the madness. I'm not talking about gas prices, either. It's the flippin' pumps. It's like playing 20 questions just to fill up. Consider the typical fill up:

(Swipe card.)
Pump: Is this a debit card? Press Yes or No.

(Press Yes.)
Pump: Enter pin number then press Enter.

(Enter pin number.)
Pump: Would you like a car wash?

(Press No.)
Pump: Would you like to buy a Slurpee?

(Press No with force.)
Pump: They are super good! We have Coca Cola and Blue Raspberry!

(Swear at pump. Press No.)
Pump: That is a mean word!

(Kick pump.)
You: "I just want to fill up my tank!"
Pump: Lift handle, raise lever, select grade, and begin pumping.

(Smile smugly knowing that you have forced the pump to do your bidding. The questions are over. You will finish this and be on your way!)
Pump: Would you like a receipt? Enter Yes or No.

(This last part really bugs me. In North Carolina, if you drive off without paying, you lose your license automatically. Fine. But what if they mistake you for the guy that drives off without paying? I like to have ready proof of purchase. But then, I'm paranoid.)

(Press Yes.)
Pump: Take receipt.

Are all these steps necessary? Isn't there some way that you could go to the gas station and just buy gas without jumping through all the hoops? It was easier just to pay cash.

What's really important in DC

Redskins trump politics.

Play ball!

For those that have known me any length of time, you know that I am fairly harsh when it comes to baseball. Yes, I have ranted about the slowness of the game, the lack of athletic prowess involved, and the seeming determination of Major League Baseball to kill what's left of it.

I have proven in the past that I'm not above using this blog as a real confessional, so I will now confess something that is harder to admit than just liking the music of John Denver...

I think I'm starting to like baseball.

Yes, after years of living in denial, the nagging of certain friends, and bashing the game more than even Euro-football, it took my sons' involvement to help me see the beauty and fun of the game. So, here's a recap of opening day...


St. John Neumann Defenders
Charlotte, NC is renowned for its warm climate, drawing Yankees from far and wide to this "New Southern" town. Last Friday saw temperatures close to 80. Saturday saw temperatures in the 60s...for about 10 minutes. By the time the game ended, it was 57 degrees and falling. But not our spirits! The boys played an excellent game. Though the books marked it a loss, it was a spirited contest which saw this group of 9-12 year-olds take on a team that the previous year won the area championship. I'll let the coach give you the recap:

Just wanted to let you guys know what I thought of our first game on Saturday. In just a few words, I thought it was great. First pitch of the game was a strike. First batter we faced struck out. In two different innings, with two different pitchers, we held the other team without scoring. In the last inning it only took us only10 pitches to shut them down and all three outs came from defensive plays by the DEFENDERS. I got to watch the whole team leave the dugout to high five and congratulate one our own after he hit a towering home run into the parking lot. By the way, we know where not to park when we play on that field. We also had our first double play, and might I add that it was unassisted to end the inning. In 6 innings the other team only struck out 4 times. That means we made 14 plays from the field for outs (OUTstanding). It's hard to believe all this happened in only our first game, but it still gets better. We even had a play at the p late and nailed the runner trying to score.

My son played left and right fields, and even had a turn on second base. While he was struck out once, he had a mean hit right down the third base line. Not too shabby for his first time playing since tee-ball. It looks to be a great season.

Idlewild Baptist Bulldogs (the "Dawgs")
The first game was cold, this one was colder. But even with the wind blowing right through us the whole time, the Dawgs put on an impressive display of skill and determination. My son played catcher for three innings, which he especially liked because, as he said, the equipment kept him warm. But what difference is a little weather? The fans were fired up, the kids were prepared, and the peanuts were boiled (?!?).

As I already mentioned, my son played catcher for three innings, a surprise to me because I had never seen him practice that position before. But he did an outstanding job. It brought back memories of watching my brother play the position when he was a lad. As for hitting, he struck out once and walked. He advanced to second at one point before the inning ended. It was a fun game to watch.

You can see pictures and get updates on the Dawgs on their online home.

Overall, it was a great day, and one that has dawned a new chapter in my own life. My Dad used to take us to nearby Baltimore to see the Orioles play, and I didn't fully appreciate it then (sorry Dad). But, a new day is dawning and I'm a new man. DC has its own team, and even my Dad's converted to their cause. Maybe I'll make the pilgrimage along with him. And I can thank my boys for the journey.

Tormented writer

I was looking at a sign at one of the local Jack in the Box restaurants the other day. The sign boasted an offering of breakfast "Day or Nite."

I hate it when "night" is misspelled that way.

Then I thought, "Did they spell it that way to be cute? Or did someone do it because they really think it's spelled that way?" So, now I'm not sure how I should take it: were they trying to be clever, or are they really ignorant? Should I be filled with mirth or pity?

I wonder what they really get out of spelling it incorrectly. Besides reinforcing the great ignorance of the English language that is already so prevalent in our society and ensuring that other ignoramuses pick up on it and begin spelling it that way, they only saved themselves the cost of printing one extra letter.

"Nite" is four letters. "Night" is five. You can swap the "e" in the former for the "g" in the latter and buy an "h". Maybe they would even save a buck or two by not purchasing that "e" in the first place. Everyone knows that buying a vowel costs more than a consonant.

This is the same kind of consternation I experience when I go through (not "thru") the "10 Items or Less" lane at the super market. Ten items or LESS? It should be "Ten items or FEWER"!

Writers have a hard time going out.

Pod together now

As of my birthday in January, I am the proud owner of an 80 GB (80 GBs!), 5th Generation Apple iPod. It is so choice. I highly recommend picking one up if you have the means. (Apologies to John Hughes.)

I read an article in the August 17, 2007 Charlotte Observer that intrigued me about iPods and the people that own them. (Yes, it's old news. I intended to post on it way back then, but never did. Owning my very own iPod reinspired me.) The title of the article was "iPods Exposed". In it, columnist Jeff Elder went up to the plugged-in people on the street and interrupted their musical bliss by asking, "What are you listening to?" Hilarity ensues. (One guy admitted to Elder that he was listening to "Elmo's Song." I shudder to think of it...)

The thrust of the article is that our iPods are supposed to say something about our personalities. I thought this was interesting. What was more interesting was that some psychologist at UNC Chapel Hill told him that asking what someone has on their iPod is "voyeuristic". "It's like asking, 'What kind of underwear do you have on?'" What underwear, smart guy?

But seriously, if our iPods are extensions of our personalities, and our play lists are so secretive, what does that say about who we really are versus the way we present ourselves? Are we afraid to admit who we are? Have we found one more face of the Stranger?

I have decided that it is my duty as a responsible blogger to help all people to embrace who they are. That's right, discerning readers. I want to know what you have on your iPods or other MP3 players. Don't be bashful. Reveal your darkest Elmo secrets to me.

And while you're at it, I also need some advice. Do any of you have any rules about what you put on your iPod? For instance, I have one friend that refuses to put more than two songs from any one artist on her iPod. I met another guy that puts only whole albums on his. Does anyone have any kind of arbitrary rules that you follow regarding your iPod?

Horn broken...

Sometimes it's better when people don't identify themselves as Christians.

Myself included.

Adventures in Sunday School Planning

The following two sentences were taken directly from some online material I was using to get ideas for tomorrow's Sunday School lesson. See if you can find what's wrong:

Make the Jesus Craft. It may seem a tad odd making Jesus out of a toilet paper roll, but I think the end result is quite nice.

Goodbye, Farewell, We'll Meet Again

I just read here that Larry Norman died last Sunday. Norman was legendary in his ability to communicate his faith in an edgy and thought-provoking way, all the while eschewing the Christian contemporary music (CCM) establishment that claimed his work as their genesis.

Norman would never get air play on today's Christian radio stations: he wasn't packaged or predictable enough. Singing lines such as "Gonorrhea on Valentine's Day, you're still looking for the perfect lay" didn't endear him to the establishment, but that was his charm. One famous CCM Magazine article in October of 1995 labeled him a "troubled troubadour" and implied that he was insane. In response, Larry dressed in some old clothes and posed for, and then posted on his website, pictures of himself sprawled next to the dumpsters behind a thrift store, looking unshaven and homeless.

It was this down and outer attitude that made him so approachable to people that weren't in the church, precisely the people to whom he believed he was called to minister. He is quoted in this article as saying, "The churches weren’t going to accept me looking like a street person with long hair and faded jeans. They did not like the music I was recording. And I had no desire to preach the gospel to the converted." Quite a different take than today's CCM industry, which caters to the white, suburban, Republican evangelicals looking for "family-friendly" fare.

That he was influential in his art is unquestioned. He had an influence that went far beyond that of many of the CCM artists of today who sell millions of dollars worth of product a year. How many of them can claim collaborations with Frank Black of the Pixies or Dizzy Reed of Guns 'n' Roses? How many can claim friendships with both Jimmy Carter and Oliver North? In his book Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock, SPIN journalist Andrew Beaujon related the story of a CCM executive who drove Bono to a meeting of Christian artists to discuss the ONE campaign. On the drive over, Bono asked if Larry Norman would be there. That's influence.

I had the opportunity to meet the man himself at a concert he performed at a coffee house in Lindenhurst, IL in 1997. He was very personable and even poked fun at me when my lovely wife told him that I had once mused that we could name our son "Larry Norman". He looked at me and said, "You would do that to a child?"

Until I got an iPod earlier this year, I hadn't listened to much of his music in a while. But in ripping all my CDs to it and listening again, I have realized how fresh and relevant it still sounds, although his best stuff was recorded from the late 60s to the mid 70s. If you have never listened to him, I highly recommend you check out a copy of Only Visiting This Planet. In fact, go to his online store and buy a couple of copies. He didn't die in luxury as most in the music industry do, and the money his family gets through the sale of his music will help cover his lingering medical bills and the cost of a funeral.

He will be missed by many people that hold him dear. He was influential on my own thinking after I first came to faith, and I have listened to his music for countless hours in the last 16 years. I am saddened at his passing, but confident that the mark he left on the world will be felt for years to come.

Larry Norman
1947-2008