15,000 Square Feet of Total Elvis!

I spent last weekend in Sevierville, TN with my wife's family. The company was great, but the location was not what I expected. While I knew we'd be in the vicinity of Great Smokey Mountains National Park, I had no idea that we would also be right around the corner from Dollywood and the aforementioned King. It was a redneck wonderland, complete with a NASCAR Speedpark.

Who knew that the road getting into town would be as busy as Myrtle Beach on Biker Week? To make the traffic worse, the town had a Super Wal-Mart, which turned out to be the busiest spot in town.

My brother- and sister-in-law (BIL and SIL) own a time share with a resort--one of those deals where you have your choice of several locations--and this was where we decided to go. As part of our incentive was the promise of free gifts for going and listening to the "90 minute presentation", which included a discounted room at the Governor's Inn (which, come to think of it, was located on Nascar Dr.). For you discerning readers that have experienced similar deals, you know about The Presentation. You go and the nice people try to convince you that you need to buy into the time share because you own it and can pass it on to your children. The most insulting part was where they told us that if we bought one and passed it on, that could be our "legacy". Gag.

I hope that I pass on more to my children than that.

But, back to Sevierville. I am constantly amazed at these United State of Generica. I can go to any city in this country and never really leave home. Think about it, you can read the USA Today in the lobby of your hotel as you sip your coffee from Starbucks. You can then go shopping at many fine outlet malls, which aren't really anything special, just strip malls for the impulsive buyer where you can get Nike tennis shoes, Bose speakers, and fine cutlery all at a discount. The difference between this outlet mall and the one near you? The location, because it certainly isn't the merchandise.

Besides the view of the Super Wal-Mart, my hotel balcony overlooked a Books-A-Million, a Texas Roadhouse (at which I did eat because as our parting gift following The Presentation, the little lady and I were given $75 in gift certificates to the place), and a bunch of other chains that just seemed to blend into the background. I cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone would go to such a place for vacation.

Just as an aside, I fear the generic-tization of things has now sadly crossed our borders and into other countries. In July 2001 I was in Dublin, Ireland on business. I asked my coworkers where a good place would be to grab dinner. The first response I got was an enthusiastic, "there's a new TGI Friday's!" Retch.

I mentioned Myrtle Beach earlier in this post. This town was very similar to Myrtle Beach except that a) there was no beach, b) there was no Ron Jon's, and c) the hooty bars and put-put golf courses were replaced with bust-yer-gut-all-you-can-stuff-into-yer-mouth restaurants that had shows. I am not kidding. There was a Chinese restaurant that featured an acrobat show, there was a wild west horse-riding rodeo show, there was a Dolly Parton owned and branded place, Southern Gospel singfests, Uncle Cracker-style comedy revues...and those were just the ones I could remember. To make it worse, when I went by them they were PACKED! Nothing like the smell of horse manure to go with your steak and potato! Ummm, that's good eatin'!

Apparently, this is what people in our country want. They want to get away and do all the stuff they usually do at home, only they want to do it several hours away from home...except for the shows...unless, of course, you happen to hail from Branson, MO.