Career change

Today was "cake day" at work. Cake day is a wonderful day. Our break room, usually chocked full of apples, grapes, and banana halves, is transformed into a cakey wonderland. Muffins. Lemon Bundt cakes. Sometimes even donuts. (Mmmm. Donuts.)

The lemon cake is the best. Moist on the inside, the icing gives it an ever so slight crunch that I find quite satisfying. These are sweet moments. Times reserved for reflection. Being stuck at work, reflection is really just code for "wishing I were anywhere else." While reflecting today about all the other places I would rather be, I had an epiphany.

Don't we live in the land of opportunity? Doesn't opportunity knock often, begging us to reach out and grab it? I decided that now is the time that I finally follow my dream.

And become a taste tester.

Preferably the kind that tastes cake.

Lots of cake.

All day long.

Thirty five hours a week. (If I can have my dream job, it's going to be one that doesn't require a full forty hours.)

So, I began my search. First up was TastyKake. Sanitation workers. Production line workers. Nope. No tasters.

Next up, Little Debbie. This looked promising, because they even had positions in North Carolina. All for drivers. Long haul drivers.

How on earth do these people expect to create an exceptional product if they are hauling stuff around all the time? I need to be where the magic happens: as close to the kitchen as possible. Little Debbie was thus dismissed from further consideration.

In a last ditch, desperate effort to make all my dreams come true, I went to the very top. The cake-baker of cake-bakers. The ultimate in gas station cuisine (next to Slim Jim) --Hostess. Hostess doesn't seem to post jobs on the Web, so I ended up at the "Contact Us" page, pouring my soul into a message that I can only hope reached the right people:

I was scanning your site for information about careers with Hostess. I have been a fan of your products for years...back when "King Dons" were still "Ding Dongs" in fact. Those were the days. Anyway, I think I have decided that I need a career change, and have decided that I should be a taste tester or some other job where I can eat cake all day long. Of course, I have always appreciated your delicious pudding and fruit pies the most, so I'm open to a job where I can eat pie all day long too. Please let me know of any job opportunities in this area and I will send you a resume, picture, and proposed workout schedule. My current employer will require at least two weeks notice, and I would like to start by at least Christmas. I look forward to your response!
Brad

I will keep you appraised of how this SOS grabs the attention of the CEO, whom I imagine will hire me post-haste. In the meantime, my coworker sent it to her sister, a corporate whiz, for her thoughts:

This is great. Whether they actually hire him or not is debatable. But, if I were guessing, I'd say the email is at least going to get some visibility in the company. This is the type of message that gets forwarded all over a company. If nothing else, they might use it, or him, in a commercial or ad.

Advice : the resume should include some experience with Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme in order to position himself as an expert. Broad experience across an entire industry is a plus on any resume. He might also want to offer expertise in breads as Hostess is owned by the same company that owns Wonder Bread.

Tell him good luck. I'm pulling for him. Everyone should have a chance at their dream job.

Yes. My dream job. I have big ideas. If her thoughts about making me a character in a commercial come true, I could be bigger than Jared! And by bigger, I mean literally. The Anti-Jared. This has so much potential.